Monday, October 29, 2012

Pop tarts

I'm losing faith in humanity at the moment. Also... waiting on my pop-tarts to cook.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I sound like a lesbian right now and I kind of like it.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I've developed a very close personal relationship with my Mac Pro!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I don't like being woken up by sexual acts.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The user was clucking like a chicken

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Figs, firetrucks, twigs, and berries!

Monday, May 24, 2010

S. It comes after R and comes before T. Big Bird once told me that.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

French fry. Wrong pipe.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Awesomesauce.
Hambyland: The amusement park you never want to visit.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


We all got an iPad in celebration of Dave being out of the office.

Friday, May 7, 2010

I'm like a security sandwich!

Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm a special case.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Apparently I smell like cookies!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I need to smell myself more often

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's really bad when it blows up in your mouth after you bite down on it and you're not expecting it.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm not that picky.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I think [a] sheepshaver is hanging around here somewhere.
... this coming from someone who still surfs the web on a Color Classic ...
Bind it so we can violate it.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My cables aren't long enough.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I give it a year before it turns loose and floppy.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Mine jiggles and clicks and doesn't work quite right.

Monday, February 22, 2010

It just jiggles until it comes off in your hand.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Stop tweaking my chair!!!! (high pitched voice)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Aka Dramaqueen
Smells like sausage.

Friday, January 15, 2010

This really steams my clams.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

If cancer is cured on a Mac, I'll laugh at you all.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Either I'm having a stroke, or somebody's having citrus.

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's raining crap and I don't have an umbrella.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Where's my lip gloss balm?
I'm trying to make you vibrate, hold on a second.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This gives me immense pleasure.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

<SILENCE>

Friday, December 18, 2009

You're realigning my chi!
I'm a fatboy but I have an hourglass right here.
Cream cheese is proof that God loves us.
I woke up like a giant warm burrito this morning.
You know how anal I am with my stuff...
I don't blow gaskets, I vent openly.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

She looked at me like I just kicked her puppy.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I've got like a 60-degree spread. In temperature, not legs.

Monday, December 14, 2009

No, but honestly... if you put your hand right here...
There's a wave of hot air coming from under my desk.
I just wanted to pet you. Is that cashmere?
I'm a hot mess like no other this morning.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

But I need you to come back here to give you a good night kiss.
It's slow and it clunks and it threatens to eat my children.
Euphemistically called "Snack Cakes." Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and Ho-Hos. My favorite three!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Do you want to smell my MacBook box?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

You mean I'm not supposed to put things in there?
It cries and screams and makes a big deal.
I'm just being pedantic; you'll need to forgive me.
It's bigger than mine!
If he gets any sexier, I won't be able to get any work done.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Do I have a funnel on my head that collects dumbasses and rains them down on my head?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Eff you people.
I gotta watch what I frickin' say in the office, now.
This is an inappropriate use of the DL…
Inappropriate, people. This is a place of business.
Just login before I break your finger …
Where did he say to stick this?
My head is far too large.
Let's see it. Whip it out.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Nothing's immediate with LANrev... it kills you slowly.

Friday, December 4, 2009

We can't just pull a pre-configured package out of our posterior, lady!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The stub is starting to grow.
David had one.
Don't forget to pull and push!
Honey, it wouldn't fit in that sack.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Did you know you're supposed to drink coffee and not breath it?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

...because I'm picky.
Dude, I just about killed myself over here.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Who said anything about tongues?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

You've screwed the pooch on that one.
I don't trust it as far as I can throw it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Don't speak to me until I've had my donut.
Now, back to Britney
I just want to know who FattyFatty2x4 is.
I just got slammed in the ear.
I'm just going to stop speaking....
It's more I have green juice running out of my eyes...
It's very juicy...I hope I didn't kill it.
Don’t ever fib to me in a ticket again. I’ll come down and break your legs.
Sad panda =(
Their firewall is tighter than some dams I've seen.
I love it when guys throw credit cards at me.

Monday, November 23, 2009

You sent him an email? That's like setting the cheese next to the mousetrap instead of on it.
I want this off my plate and out of my face!!
You're letting your high expectations show. You might want to tuck that in.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Get away from my computer...
I'm a little teapot, short and stout... BITCH.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Poor Decisions

I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

Your Blackberry
Mmm Hmmmm...
(Not typically used to express agreement, but rather used as a passing greeting in combination with a suspicious look)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Did I say something blogworthy today?
Did I say something blog-worthy today?
I'm sorry I accused you of changing my wallpaper to a Ford product.
I can't help it you run / use / own an inferior [insert anything Dave owns].
I HATE YOU ALL!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much
Sad face.
Your a walking clouch
I don't have time for this, i have like 22 things on my plate
You're a good person, no matter what [insert name of nearest person] says.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009