Pop tarts

I'm losing faith in humanity at the moment. Also... waiting on my pop-tarts to cook.

I sound like a lesbian right now and I kind of like it.

I've developed a very close personal relationship with my Mac Pro!

I don't like being woken up by sexual acts.

The user was clucking like a chicken

Figs, firetrucks, twigs, and berries!

S. It comes after R and comes before T. Big Bird once told me that.

French fry. Wrong pipe.

Awesomesauce.

Hambyland: The amusement park you never want to visit.

We all got an iPad in celebration of Dave being out of the office.

I'm like a security sandwich!

I'm a special case.

Apparently I smell like cookies!

I need to smell myself more often

It's really bad when it blows up in your mouth after you bite down on it and you're not expecting it.

I'm not that picky.

I think [a] sheepshaver is hanging around here somewhere.

... this coming from someone who still surfs the web on a Color Classic ...

Bind it so we can violate it.

My cables aren't long enough.

I give it a year before it turns loose and floppy.

Mine jiggles and clicks and doesn't work quite right.

It just jiggles until it comes off in your hand.

Art Imitating Life

It's like fifteen drunken monkeys with a jigsaw puzzle.

Stop tweaking my chair!!!! (high pitched voice)

Aka Dramaqueen

Smells like sausage.

This really steams my clams.

If cancer is cured on a Mac, I'll laugh at you all.

Either I'm having a stroke, or somebody's having citrus.

It's raining crap and I don't have an umbrella.

Where's my lip gloss balm?

I'm trying to make you vibrate, hold on a second.

This gives me immense pleasure.

<SILENCE>

You're realigning my chi!

I'm a fatboy but I have an hourglass right here.

Cream cheese is proof that God loves us.

I woke up like a giant warm burrito this morning.

You know how anal I am with my stuff...

I don't blow gaskets, I vent openly.

She looked at me like I just kicked her puppy.

I've got like a 60-degree spread. In temperature, not legs.

No, but honestly... if you put your hand right here...

There's a wave of hot air coming from under my desk.

I just wanted to pet you. Is that cashmere?

I'm a hot mess like no other this morning.

But I need you to come back here to give you a good night kiss.

It's slow and it clunks and it threatens to eat my children.

Euphemistically called "Snack Cakes." Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and Ho-Hos. My favorite three!

Do you want to smell my MacBook box?

You mean I'm not supposed to put things in there?

It cries and screams and makes a big deal.

I'm just being pedantic; you'll need to forgive me.

It's bigger than mine!

If he gets any sexier, I won't be able to get any work done.

Do I have a funnel on my head that collects dumbasses and rains them down on my head?

Eff you people.

I gotta watch what I frickin' say in the office, now.

This is an inappropriate use of the DL…

Inappropriate, people. This is a place of business.

Just login before I break your finger …

Where did he say to stick this?

My head is far too large.

Let's see it. Whip it out.

Nothing's immediate with LANrev... it kills you slowly.

We can't just pull a pre-configured package out of our posterior, lady!

The stub is starting to grow.

David had one.

Don't forget to pull and push!

Honey, it wouldn't fit in that sack.

Did you know you're supposed to drink coffee and not breath it?

...because I'm picky.

Dude, I just about killed myself over here.

Who said anything about tongues?

You've screwed the pooch on that one.

I don't trust it as far as I can throw it.

Don't speak to me until I've had my donut.

Now, back to Britney

I just want to know who FattyFatty2x4 is.

I just got slammed in the ear.

I'm just going to stop speaking....

It's more I have green juice running out of my eyes...

It's very juicy...I hope I didn't kill it.

Don’t ever fib to me in a ticket again. I’ll come down and break your legs.

Sad panda =(

Their firewall is tighter than some dams I've seen.

I love it when guys throw credit cards at me.

You sent him an email? That's like setting the cheese next to the mousetrap instead of on it.

I want this off my plate and out of my face!!

You're letting your high expectations show. You might want to tuck that in.

Get away from my computer...

I'm a little teapot, short and stout... BITCH.

Poor Decisions

I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

Your Blackberry

Mmm Hmmmm...
(Not typically used to express agreement, but rather used as a passing greeting in combination with a suspicious look)

Did I say something blogworthy today?

Did I say something blog-worthy today?

I'm sorry I accused you of changing my wallpaper to a Ford product.

I can't help it you run / use / own an inferior [insert anything Dave owns].

I HATE YOU ALL!

Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much

Sad face.

Your a walking clouch

I don't have time for this, i have like 22 things on my plate

You're a good person, no matter what [insert name of nearest person] says.

10-4.